Monday, December 22, 2008

Mom's Letter to Santa

I found this letter to Santa and thought to share
it with you guys. Hilarious! Enjoy!

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed,
cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the
doctor's office more than my own doctor and sold
sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a
shade tree on the school playground. I was hoping you could
spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to
write this letter with my daughter's red crayon, on the
back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and
who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next
18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache
(in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms
that don't hurt or flap in the breeze, but are strong
enough to pull my screaming child out of
the candy aisle in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere
in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year
I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that
only plays adult music, a television that
doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking
animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind
the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll
that says, 'Yes, Mommy' to boost my parental
confidence,along with two kids who don't fight and
three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without
the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks
chanting 'Don't eat in the living room' and
'Take your hands off your sister,' because my voice
seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can
only be heard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products,
I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my
hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food
warmer than room temperature without it being served in a
Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few
Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it
be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will
clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you
could coerce my children to help around the house without
demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized
crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is calling and my
daughter saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think
she wants her crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to
leave your wet boots by the door and come in
and dry off so you don't catch a cold.

Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat
too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always,


1 comment:

The Gang's All Here! said...

Oh my. That says it all, doesn't it?! That's hilarious. I might steal your idea and post one too.

Merry Christmas to our walk-thru-the water- (and who knows what else!)- Guangzhou friends :)